In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
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I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
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-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”