Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
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David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.