“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
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I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
All food is good if you spell it wrong
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!