if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
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Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
getting old is fun
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.