I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
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BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
m’lady
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS