My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
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Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.