I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
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squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
i’m sure it’s fine
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round