I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
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The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.