“There’s no butter left”
“I don’t understand”
“I turned it into ghee”
“OK, thanks for clarifying”
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Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.