How funny!
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You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
#Caturday