me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
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I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.