I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
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When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
The Assassin.
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray