“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
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Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
Born to be mild.
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
HR said no more nunchucks.
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.