That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
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me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
Love this one 😂🧟
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
I see your IQ test came back negative
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?