There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
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A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.