Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
You Might Also Like
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy