[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
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I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
I鈥檝e got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
I miss the days when my 2yo didn鈥檛 have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don鈥檛 allow fire arms in the building.
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids鈩笍
[Texting]
My Brother: Here鈥檚 pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here鈥檚 pictures of my second breakfast
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 馃槈
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
I guess I shouldn鈥檛 have had 3 cookies… Now, I鈥檓 being judged.
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
Hit me in the face with a bird
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
Call your teenage daughter by the dog鈥檚 name one time and she doesn鈥檛 talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.