He wanted to make sure😂
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Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp