Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
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First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.