Storm Tropical Storm
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One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
Spice up your work day by drinking your coffee from a flask
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
This is no longer winter this is harassment
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm