It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
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I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
A completely valid reaction tbh
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
finally found a reasonable question
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
Spotted in New Orleans.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.