I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
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My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
Another interesting #factupdates post!
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody