People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
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#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.