ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
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I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
So, can we agree on 4 or
In case you needed to hear it:
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
❤️❤️❤️
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!