Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
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I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
Cndnsd Mlk
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is