It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
You Might Also Like
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
Legend 🤣🤣
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
War & Peace
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.