I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
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everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
bad
worse
worst
worchester
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.