Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
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Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.