People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
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I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
this is how life feels
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
me: I’ve been thinking about you all day.
cookie:
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
oh no, steve’s working tonight