Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
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I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
I think I’ll stand
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
In banana years, I am bread.
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.