One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
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Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.