Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
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Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something