Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
You Might Also Like
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
me 2 months after i graduated
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost