Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
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Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.