Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
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Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.