Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
You Might Also Like
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit