“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
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[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me: