*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
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Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
Received some very disappointing news today
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
Cardio Made Easy
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
LOOOOOOL
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …