I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
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(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
I hope google does well on my son’s test
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.