Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
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Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
Not recommended for beginners.
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.