My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
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Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.