this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
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Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
British websites use biscuits.
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
Spotted in New Orleans.
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
had to make it
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
I created you as mosquito food.