Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
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My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
What the hell happened here.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.