I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
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You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
We like the way Dwight thinks
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.