Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
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Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
accurate
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
that wasn’t the question
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.