My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
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I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
August 8
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Van Gone
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
I know
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.