Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
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I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.