Basketball games are very squeaky.
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I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.