7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
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The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
me: dating is hard
me on a date: the platypus doesn’t have teats so they sweat milk
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
Phonetics
When news reporters do sports stories
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
…
…
…
…
…
…
2015: Taco Emoji!
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one