At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
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He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen